Missing my Baby Boy so much.

The very best friends a girl could ever have---They are also each other's best friends.

Tommy, I love you so very very much. Mommy misses you so.

Update: December, 2009. Tommy came back home to live with Mommy full time; He plays eats and sleeps with his best friend Callaway everyday. He does miss his Daddy.

Celebrating His Recovery

The long awaited time has come...
The First sips.

...Way to go...always knew that he, of anyone, can do it....

it just goes to show that God is so good.
Thank you so much, God; You show us every day, in so many ways, how much You love us and how you ensure things will work out according to Your great plan.
Praise be to God, yesterday, today and tomorrow.

Dogs

Tommy. Sweet boy.
He brings me so much joy and laughter.
Watching him grow all these months in leaps and bounds, cuddling on the sofa and on the bed, laughing at his puppy dog antics.
Big sweet boy now, from baby red fuzz ball to big ol goof ball blondie.
"Crazy Dog" after giving him a splashing bath.
Tumbling head over heels play wrestling with his best little buddy Callaway.
His joyful sloppy wet kisses, high leaps and jumps when he happily greets me as I walk through the door every single day.
Tommy. My Dear Sweet Baby. Watching you grow and loving you all these months.
I love you so much.
I will miss you so much.
I will see you again. Mommy always loves you. Always.

Halloween

Dressing up with the fur kids.
A great fun night.
Woofs and Howls.
Tommy, the great big Hotdog, urban cowgirl Carol, and little pirate Cally.
Happy Memories for a lifetime.
Pictures below. Thank you, God.

Bullet

"God loves me. I trust God's love. God's love brings new life. Amen."

Peace

Please God, show me how to give and to receive all your peace, joy and love.
Open my heart again.
Let in your light.
Sustain me, so I can live according to your teachings and to your Word.
Help me to completely forgive those who have hurt me, those who do not understand your teachings, and those who choose not to live purely, lovingly.
Set in me a strong and courageous heart so I can bear painful situations.
Help me to continue to be kind, gentle, patient, understanding, empathetic, compassionate and loving.
Help me to glorify your Name in my thoughts, actions and deeds and in how I treat others.
Please live through me every single day, and let me be your instrument, a beacon of hope, and an inspiration for people who need me in their lives as You live through me.

Lifting

Calm after the storm.
The fog is finally lifting.
Rays of light shining through the clouds.
The world is washed clean.
The air smells crisp and fresh.
Colors beaming brighter after a long period of gray.
God brightening the heavy darkness; finally uplifting the heart the soul the spirit.
Everything is clearer: there is nothing more precious and rare than pure love.

When one turns to the light, will one finally be able to see clearly, or will one be so blinded by the past darkness, forever until death, forever until it is too late?

Nerdly Music is wonderful. From my fave show.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i0OtJskI3t4

www.youtube.com/watch?v=i0OtJskI3t4

The Ring

I wear it everyday, on my left hand, on my third finger, next to my fourth finger, that place reserved for that day when my heart belongs to him who God has chosen me to fulfill his heart and soul as his only life partner.

It's yellow gold and white gold with rare paparadscha in the center. It's exquisite and special to me, not only because it is my birthstone, but because it holds so many wonderful memories. It's hand crafted and unique, by an artist. Purchased from a celtic jewelry store.

Just a little tiney thing. Which holds several stories made during a particular trip to New England not so long ago: Of laughter and of good times with friends and family. Of delightful surprises and carefully orchestrated efforts. of happy times. of a special loving time with not a care in the world for just a few days. of dreams fulfilled and of hopes and dreams yet to be fulfilled. of someone who cared for me and loved me very much.

I wear it everyday as a reminder to myself of the tender moments shared not so long ago.

I also now wear it as a symbol of solidarity and support.

I wear it so I feel so not alone and lonely at the darkest times at night and those early bitter cold mornings when I'm all by myself and I am gripped by icy uncertainty and fear of the stark unknown.

I feel it with my other hand and I bring it close to my heart.
I close my eyes tightly and I remember how it was so carefully brought and given to me, the little journey that it had to take to reach my hand as it was passed through several hands to finally leave his hand to be slipped on my finger.

And I remember that I was not alone then, and that I was cared for and loved very much. I may not understand why things are and why they happen, but certain other things are for sure:
The ring will always be with me, no matter which side of the situation I will be on, and whether I face it alone or not. It will always remind me of the stories that brought it to me, and it will always be a symbol of his love.

Presence

I really need to feel your presence, Lord.
I really need you right now in my life, more than ever.

I am being tested more than I feel that I can endure. But with your guidance and
help,I know that I can come through all of this.

Please shelter me under the cool shadow of your wings.
Please give me water to quench my thirst.
Please walk beside me as I feel I am walking this dark path all alone.

Let me not lose sight of the fact that there are many many more in pain and
have it worse off than me than my situation. Help me be compassionate and loving
to these people and I pray for your deliverance.
Help me overcome my weaknesses and obey your Word.
Help me to continue to Love without expectation.
Help me to not become bitter or sad or weary or give up.
Let me continue to have Faith and Trust that your Will is the best for me and others.

Please comfort me as I try to understand why these things happen to us.
Let me not lean on my own understanding or that of man, but Yours alone.
Please show me what you want, what you desire of me and my service to you.

Let me be your instrument to do your will today, tomorrow, and always.

Most Awesome

Incredible. Beautiful.

Says what my heart can't even put adequately into words.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=g36GP_PDvCw&feature=related

Fro Yo

2 crazy terriers. One walks like human. One with non-ending toothy smile at the
little girls who clamor up to pet her.

Tugging and pulling. I'm being dragged everywhere. I look into windows. I look up
into the sky and see millions of stars twinkling down at me.

I go round and round the walk. Then, we stop in front of the frozen yogurt store.

mmm, should I? well, it is a perfect night for the perfect treat.

So, mint and chocolate for me. "Plain white boy vanilla" for the kids.
Jimmies on top of mine. Strawberries on top of theirs.

The boy buries his whole snout in the giant cup. He licks languorously, rapture in his eyes as he gives a low throaty purr of delight. The girl, well, she takes a few licks and turns away in dainty disgust; too sweet for her. She seeks solace and climbs onto my lap and looks longingly at my cup.

I sigh. Nothing like a perfect quiet peaceful night with the Fro and Yo dogs.

Sandwich

Sweating in the middle of the night.
I'm really hot. Why is it so hot in here?
The airconditioning blows in full blast, the overhead fan humming.
But my heart is pounding. I can't sleep.

I'm itchy. And sweaty.
I'm pinned on both sides.
I wiggle but my arms are pinned against me with my covers.
ACK. I have to go to the bathroom.

I smell the familiar gamey odor. And then I manage to turn on one bedstand light.

Yup. Polka-dotted butthole with wagging stump with sleepy dewey eyes blinking back at me. I look to the other side.
Suddenly a giant paw stretches and pushes on my mouth. Blech.
A brown butthole with slowly waving flag-tail waves slowly back and forth in salute. Green glowing eyes blink slowly at me and hot dog breath is emitted from a large yawning mouth.

Dumbasses....Peee ewww.....my smelly dog sandwich.

Gives me a sense of security and love while he is absent just for now.

Close

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted,
and he saves those whose spirit have been crushed.
Ps. 34:18

He heals the brokenhearted and bandages their wounds.
Ps. 147:3

Please be close. Please be the salve that soothes.
for Jesus said: Don't let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God, Trust in Me.
John 14:1

Where God's love is, there is no fear, because God's perfect love drives out fear. It is punishment that makes a person fear, so love is not made perfect in the person who fears.
1John 4:18

Love is the only answer. Have you, do you love the way God truly wants you to?

Love heals everything. How do you love.

Standing outside

I know it's hard, but perhaps I'll never just know just how hard it is.
But I have a good idea.
I'm outside the door looking in through the window. At you...in there on the floor.

It is cold out here too.
I long for the warmth of yesterday.
The warmth of the presence and the embrace. The beam of that smile.
The dance and sparkle in the eyes.

Won't you let me make it easier for you; won't you let me help make the pain less for you. That is what I do, that is what I am here for, that is what God wants me to do for you and for others in my lifetime.

If I can take this thing all away for you, I would; I would even trade places with you.

Really. Truly. Because when you hurt, I hurt too. It doesn't matter who has this.
It affects us.

Don't you see? I can see now; What is most important. Can you see?

You may not feel it is helpful. You may feel that it is a bother.
Someday, you'll see that I was standing next to you holding out my hand to you all the while while you were there inside, seeming alone on the floor...

Living

I exist as well.

I have feelings.

I have heart.

I have a heart too.

I have a soul also.

I breathe, my heart beats, I feel. I feel every single day.

I deserve and wish to be acknowledged once----just once in a very long and very great while after being forgotten---that I am a living, breathing, feeling sentient being on this earth that truly loves another and that is loved in return.

I deserve and wish to be greeted respectfully and I deserve and wish to be asked how I am once in a very long great while of silence.

I deserve and wish to be remembered, just once after a long quiet moment; Not cast away as if I am gone from this earth forever and just a split second memory.

How do you care in return? Do you even care at all?
Let someone know that you care. Tell them, once in a great while, that you are thinking of them. Greet them. Ask them how they are. It is that simple.
It will make a whole world of difference. It is so easy. It is so God blessed and so simple, but yet so overlooked.

It is simple.
It is absolutely and completely not selfish at all.

It is, in its most simple and pure form of action: mutual respect.
it is simple consideration by the other person that the other is, indeed, here for the other at the very least, in their thoughts.

World moves

World continues to move...

Time passes rapidly by...

Seasons starting to change as the temperature becomes cooler and the colors begin to fade...

But my thoughts linger. My heart continues to feel as it has. Memories remain safely hidden. Confusion and hurt lessen and is put away as life lessons.

I'll always be here. Whenever, if ever...

What happens....

"God has chosen you and made you his holy people. He loves you. So always do these things: Show mercy to others, be kind, humble, gentle, and patient. Get along with each other, and forgive each other. If someone does wrong to you, forgive that person because the Lord forgave you. Do all these things; but most important, love each other. Love is what holds you all together in perfect unity" Colossians 3 12-14

The Woofers.

Excited and joyful. Twirling and jumping.
Springing up and down. Cuddles under the comforter.
Sloppy wet kisses with sand paper tongue.
Shaking water all over the place. Crazy dog dance.
Squeeking toys and tug o wars.
Growls and barks. Loving attentive looks.

Unconditional love...True Love. Forever Faithful Loyal Companion.

Thank you, Lord, for blessing me with the fur kids.

How to Trust Again.

Counsellor said this today about how to Trust in a relationship:
Forgiveness is the first step.
Don't look back on yesterday. Look only upon today and deal with the present. Let your Higher Power take care of Tomorrow, for it will come. Take care of the here and now.

In order to get to Forgiveness in order to fully Trust, one needs to look Foward and stop looking back to the past for any answers or explanations to present behaviors. The answers to questions and issues will come and be revealed in its own perfect time.
How does one come into Forgiveness of others? Think on how everyday, God Forgives us without questions when we stand before Him in sin. That is how we must Forgive others. He does not punish us for our sins, nor does He push us away. He embraces us with his Love.

Ask what you can do today to make the situation/relationship safe, harmonious, peaceful, loving, and joyful...and then Do it.

Let go of the Past's hurt, pain, shame, disappointments.
That way you can...
Start the slate clean in the present every-single-day from now on.

Let go of the Past's hurt, pain, shame, disapointments.
That way you won't...
keep the other person hostage to the last relationship's issues or the past hurts.

Complete honesty and openness and full communication with each other is the key.

If you are religious or spiritual, Find and Give Forgiveness as through the Eyes of the Lord. Pray that you trust in His perfect timing that the Truth will always be revealed to you soon. If you believe in God and endeavor to live a Godly life, think on how God would respond.

Open all lines of communication so there will be no room for secret activity that is so common to the downfall of most relationships today.

Acknowledge your Lord in all ways, first and foremost above all else, and the Lord will never lead you wrong. Keep Looking Foward always and ask what can you do for God and God's people.

Above all, Trust God First.

The Mirror

"A mirror reflects a man's face,
but what he is really like is shown by the kinds of friends he chooses".
Proverbs 27:19

Though I've been told I'm talkative and friendly by nature, I only count a very few people as my close friends. While conceptually it would be fun to be surrounded by lots of people and have numerous friends in different groups to do different activities with, I prefer the company of only a chosen special few.

This is a personal choice; like my choice in a romantic dating relationship, I feel more comfortable concentrating on one person at a time. I don't feel the need to spread myself out and vary it up on a daily/ weekly basis. For one thing, it is such work and energy to mix it up all of the time. I don't like a lot of attention from a lot of people. The attention of just one or two suffice enough for me, but it definitely has to come from one or two very special, very dear people to me.

This way, I don't spread myself too thin in returning my attention back, and I really get to know the incredible beauty of the other person's heart and soul. There is truly something so special about spending time with that one special person and that one special friend.

It is like our relationship with God; He wants that special unique relationship with each of us; He doesn't want us to be distracted or spread thin or distracted by our other relationships/friendships. He wants to be our Bestest friend in the world. And so he blesses each one of us with the gift of close friendships with a selective few.

I've been so lucky, so gosh lucky to have a few close friends with whom I can share my heart and soul to; the few who really care for me and want the best for me. The few who are there to pick me up when I'm in my deepest darkest hour. The few who will come to lend a hand when I need help. In return, I can offer my humble friendship and love back; it isn't much, I know, but it is something truly special and God given. Thank you, my dear friend. You are so beautiful. I don't think I ever tell you that as much as you deserve.

Await.

Waiting. Watching. Wondering.

As the puppies do; so do I.

What is God's plan. Is He here with me. I know He is there with you.

Then why, does it feel so...alone....

What a day.

Today was truly a sad day.

1) Started out with a family whose codependency issues wrecked havoc on the schedule.
Mother with Parkinson's, in total denial about her failing vision. Claiming that the routine eye drops used for examination made her vision far worse than even before she had her exam. Her vision was barely 20/80 when she first saw me last week; Not that great by most standards, but she was able to be refracted to 20/30, better than any young person.
But she claimed over and over that it was because her eyes were still dilated from the drops, over a week later. If that were true, her husband, whom I examined right after, would have dilated eyes as well. Dilation lasts at most a day. Well after being berated and humiliated in front of the waiting room patients by her son, I brought her in to be examined and showed him not only was her pupils back to normal size, but she had dense cataracts. Besides that, her vision was mercifully even BETTER than when she first presented last week at 20/50, so her and her son's claim that I made her vision worse with my exam was shot to HELL.
But, with no apologies and no humbleness, she proceeded to refuse any glasses, because she says all glasses give her headaches and she just won't have it. But her vision is worse now. Unbelievable. But believable. A neurological illness such as Parkinson's is similar to dementia. Her son was strangely quiet after he caused a scene in front of my packed waiting room.
No even an apology.
Ofcourse.
False Accusations hurt everyone.

2) Another patient walked out with a critical piece of equipment. Seemingly insignifcant, but necessary to perform diagnostic testing using the state of the art ophthalmic equipment. She made off with an eye patch. That would make number 2 gone. People like the special eye patch because it looks a bit like the pirate one, but the difference is these are made to filter all room lights out for the critical testing, whereas the costume ones are for fun and show. Since she walked out with the very last one that I needed for my 4 machines, the other patients suffered who needed the diagnostic testing for their neurological pathologies. They could not have their critical testing done.
I actually called the patient and told her that I would not question her at all if she returned the patch; we needed it so badly for our next patients.
When she returned it, I gave her a gift certificate to the cafeteria, because she was actually honest enough to admit she had it and bring it back.
It was, actually very big of her.
Dishonesty and theft hurts everyone, but she did the right thing.

3) I discovered one of the china tea cups I let patients use for drinks went missing today. The tech had a good idea who took it. We called her family, but ofcourse, the denial was issued. This was especially sad, because I am now implementing a new policy that we will no longer give out snacks and drinks to the patient during dilation as they wait. Signs will go up.
Again, dishonesty and theft hurts everyone.

There were other things that added to the day of overwhelming frustration, stress, and sadness. Exhausted, I ponder how to remain hopeful and forgiving and loving and behave and act as God would want me to behave. Is He with me when all these things were happening? What was the lesson in all of these experiences He wants me to learn? Is he protecting me? How.....does He really want me to be happy?

All I could wish for was some kind of respite and relief from all of this. Some kind of comfort. Someone's loving arms around me, a hug, and kind word that tells me that since I endeavor to do the right and decent thing everyday, that I'm doing good, despite all the bad around me. And it will be alright; Good will triumph. That there is hope in this world despite all the little bad things people do or say to and about you.

I wish, so wish, wish so very much that you were with me....Please God....be there for me too...

God's take care of his flock

Last week, as I was speeding down Roosevelt, a very busy road in front of
the County Hospital, I had to slam on the breaks as a young pit bull terrier
dog attempted to gallop across four lanes of traffic.

Actually, he weaved in and out of traffic as cars came to sudden stops. He looked so frightened and confused, and I could see the terror in his eyes as he shook and tried to go back from whence he came. He had no collar. He was so skinny.

I watched in horror as traffic continued foward. I wanted to shut my eyes to avoid seeing what I thought would be the inevitable. The horrible.
But I could not see the aftermath. I had to drive on due to traffic pushing me forward.

One week later, as I drove past the freeway overpass, I saw the usual homeless lady in her very provocative skimpy dress. Well,it is very hot here....she always stands under the freeway overpass holding up a sign for donations, and to offer her other services.

well, today, instead of a sign, she was holding a rope attached to a very happy, very content, very excited skinny pit bull terrier dog in tow. Same black and tan markings.

It was great. I had to smile.
God always takes care of his flock.

The Word: Love

Today, the Word was about Love as an active choice and Love as an action. Love is not simply warm feelings, but an attitude that reveals itself in action.

In John 13: 34-3
So now I am giving you a new commandment; Love each other. Just as I have loved you, you should love each other. Your love for one another will prove to the world that you are my disciples.

But how do we love others as Christ loves us? According to the New Living Translation, we do this by helping when it's not convenient, by giving when it hurts, by devoting energy to to others' welfare rather than our own, by absorbing hurts from others without complaining or fighting back. This kind of love is hard to do...people will notice when you do it and will know you are empowered by a supernatural source...

But, when our love for someone is rejected, or cast aside, or not appreciated, or unwanted, we experience Grief. Our hearts become heavy. Our hearts break.
That is what God must feel whenever we reject or we sin against Him.

Love is something rare, precious, incredible, and something to be nurtured and cherished; it should not be given cavalierly or used as a means to an end.

The Word is very clear what Love is, as described in Corinthians 13.
But though people quote it, read it at weddings, read it in poems, it is rarely applied to our daily lives.

Is it impossible to truly Love and be Loving?

Love can also only be experienced within relationships. The power to change is given in relationship, and what you Love, you become like.

God is the total embodiment of Love. That is why when we strive to live and to model our behavior to be like our Loving God, that is why when we love God, it makes us His shining examples to the outside world.

That was God's Word today.

Today, I gave up something that I so dearly loved and cherished. It was special and so precious to me. It was not by my choice. But it was clear that things had changed completely...I was unprepared; I was left numb and in grief. But I loved more than anything. I loved with all my heart. With all my soul. And both the heart and soul grieves. But sometimes, it is said, that is not enough.

It is the grief experienced when something, a precious gift from God, is given and is cast aside.

I gave it completely to God. I will not lean on my own understanding anymore.

The experience of overwhelming, extraordinary heavy Grief was something that I had worked so hard and was so careful to avoid, but it came...anyway.

But I will hold on to the Lord, because He says in Isaiah 41:10
Don't worry, because I am with you. Don't be afraid, because I am your God. I will make you strong and will help you, because I am your God. I will make you strong and will help you; I will support you with my right hand that saves you.

Accountability

As I am being held accountable for my human weakness, I suffer the consequences and am punished. I am bearing it.

Yet, when I hold the mirror to show the other's true reflection---
when I ask the other person to be accountable for the other's inexplicable actions in order to gain some sort of understanding, I am made to suffer the consequences.

Accountability is not a one way path; neither is respect and consideration.

Trusting God

"Depend on the Lord; Trust Him, and He will take care of you. Then your goodness will shine like the sun, and your fairness like the noonday sun. Wait and trust the Lord" Psalm 37: 5-7.

Trust in God first and foremost, for He will never leave you.

How exquisite and beautiful it is to give complete trust to someone who will nurture, love, cherish and never abandon you, even in the worst of times; only then, it would be the most natural thing to do.

Own Understanding is a Conscious Choice.

When we are caught up within ourselves, we only can see what is immediately directly around us.

It is a challenge to see far ahead; It is easier to look behind,to the left and to the right. It is so easy to point fingers outward. It is far easier to do that than to take a step back and take the painful look inward.

We understand only what we choose to understand.
It is a conscious choice.

I am told, who are you to cast judgement on other people; yet I am constantly being judged and punished for weakness/sin without a split second thought. It is a conscious choice.

But I don't say anything, because one says one has the "right" to do just that; to cast judgement. Who gives one this right? God? Not the God that I understand to know that loves people.

All I know is this; we do the best that we can to live according to God's teachings and His word every single day. Who are we to say that a person who actively endeavors to do this every single day is not doing enough and therefore doesn't deserve one's love. Who judges this...

God commands us: You must love the Lord your God with all your mind and strength. Love your neighbor as yourself. No other commandment is greater than these. Mark 12: 31.

It

it means living according to how God lived on this earth.
it means truly embracing His teachings.
it means putting His teachings into practice.
it means to forgive.
it means to allow a new day.
it means to truly Love.

Changes

It will never ever be the same.

Be still and listen. The answer is there. Just be still and listen. It is there.

Clear.

The Plan

People say that it's God's plan for each of us to be going through whatever situation we are presented with.

I don't understand what this particular plan is.
I don't understand why.
I don't understand how to get through it whole, intact, gracefully, peacefully.

I have my own theories of what this Plan may be, but in the end, it doesn't matter, because it is human interpretation. And human interpretation is based on opinion and not necessarily on hard cold facts.

it is as it appears.

it is hard. every single day.

it is lonely. it is unsettled. it is filled with uncertainty.

ironic, because supposedly Higher Power's plan for man is certain and determined.

but for now, the plan is uncertain and undetermined.

There is supposed to be comfort, but really, deep down, there is wounding of the soul.

Watching

I watch in delight when you are able to savor the mouthful of real solid food.
Real asian food! Much more delectable than those life-giving liquid calories.

I watch you close your eyes and slowly swallow, I hold my breathe...
Can you do it? Can you swallow it without any trouble?
Does it taste like it is supposed to taste?

...or, does it taste all metallic--I watch your face and lips scrunching up and purse. I watch as you stick out your tongue and shake your head as you shudder the horrible taste away.

I watch you as you tell me about all your first times. Certainly, it won't be your last time, I'm thinking silently to myself. There will be so many more firsts for you; I watch you as your eyes sparkle in delight as you look off in the distance as you dream of all the things you are going to do and all the people you are promising to see. I watch you and I see the faintest hint of a smile; the first smile in a long long time.

I watch you as you speak so lovingly and warmly of your friends and family; I watch as I see the excitment build in your voice as you talk about seeing them again.

I watch to see if you see me there in the future too. I watch for a sign. Anything.
I check my watch. You say Nothing more. That is ok. I watched you experience a moment of joyful anticipation for a brief moment, and that was awesome to see.

Maybe, you'll look out for me someday.

Here

I'm here.

But he doesn't see me.

I have been there, I am here, and I will be there.

He knows this.

But he doesn't see me.

He does see the beauty in everything else, sees it in everyone around him.

But he doesn't see me.

As he focusses on the challenging battle ahead, he will not be able to see very far ahead.

But I hope that when he is healed, he will be able to look back and see me clearly.

Alarms

At 3 a.m, my burglar alarm sounded. Instantly, the pups stood up from their respective curled up sandwich on each side of me and began barking. They jumped off the bed and ran to the front door; well, at least my girl ran to the front door barking furiously, as my boy stretched out lazily at the foot of my bed and growled deeply.

I sat up and shook the cobwebs of sleep off my mind. Catching my breath trying to strain my ears to hear if anyone was in the hallway, I reached over to grab his favorite Lahaina Diver Tshirt I sleep with to comfort me, and threw it over my jammies. Then I ran to get the gun.

I tip-toed by the door and strained in order to hear anything other than the piercing horn of the alarm and the dogs excited baying. I couldn't hear anything else other than my heart pounding. Darn.

The phone rang jarring my senses, and it was the security company telling me that the hallway motion detectors were activated, and was it my dogs? No! my dogs sleep in the room with me. UGH! Ok, police are being called. Then they hung up. I grabbed my cell phone and dialed 911. Yep, they had not yet received the call from the security company.

I knew the drill; this happened to me more than 2 years ago, but it was real, the perps had come through the laundry window, and I heard them shatter glass when they sped away when police arrived. In fact, they drove right past the police and in front of my neighbors who had heard the shattering glass.

This time, I was prepared with cell phone, gun, and dogs. This time, when my alarm system sounded, I was ready to handle the situation. I waited in the closet with the 911 operators until the police knocked on my window. Only then did I come out of my room, turned off the alarm, and let the police in the house to inspect the premises.

God gives us internal alarm systems that never fail us. Call it sixth sense, or gut instinct. I believe in it 100%. Have you ever met someone or been in a situation where something didn't feel quite right, and it soon revealed itself to be so? That strange, niggling feeling that something is amiss, or doesn't seem to quite make sense. And it always always reveals itself to be exactly the case.

What I learned is this: Trust your instinct; it is a gift from God.
I believe this is part of the Holy Spirit within us; It guides us and tells us what is right and wrong, what is safe and what is dangerous, what is good, what is not healthy. The trick is to separate out the static and the noise from the steady sound of reason.

This second time, I held still and listened through the cacaphony of sounds for the tell-tale voices and footsteps. When I was sure there was nothing, I took the next step of hiding and preparing myself to defend myself and home if need be.

This is the same as listening to our internal alarm system that notifies us that something is not quite right about our bodies or about a person or about a situation. Only when we are still and listen to our internal alarm system, then do we receive the message in how to correctly proceed.

Some people may pooh pooh this and say "oh it is paranoia, or ridiculous, or negative".

What I say is this: what is it about YOUR internal alarm system that makes one have to put the other person down for using this gift from our Higher Power to protect us? Perhaps, it is because it is the very fact that it IS our Higher Power who is telling us that something about the situation or about the person is not quite what it appears; we should be alarmed, be forewarned, and take necessary precautions to protect ourselves from disaster.

God is great; Blessed be His Name. Thank you God for the gift of alarms; internal and external.

Prayer for a Caretaker

Dear Heavenly Father,

You are my help in every need. I know that nothing is too hard for you. Heavenly Father, I am praying and hoping now for the complete healing and restoration of Kevin. Guide my heart and hands so that I may be a true comfort as their caregiver. Give me the peace and strength I need to cope in the days ahead.

Heavenly Father I look to you for guidance. Continue to grant me wisdom. Wisdom to seek you above all things.

I proclaim my complete trust in you for healing , health, strength, wisdom and protection.

Thank you for all that you are in my life and all that you will be in my life. Give me the strength to share your loving kindness with my loved one so that they may experience joy and closeness to You in the face of their diagnosis.

Knowing my oneness with you, Heavenly Father, I pray that Kevin experience true healing.

Thank you, Lord, for sending your word and your healing power and your support during these painful times.

In the powerful Name of Jesus,

Amen

Inspired by R. Moment.

Why bother...

You ask me why do you even bother, now that you are so very very tired so much of the time.

Well, for one thing, so I can bother you back.

Who else is there to get annoyed at me bothering you incessantly; I am reminding you, essentially, that you are a living, feeling being that is currently feeling annoyed and bothered by me. I'll gladly take that.

Also, the most important thing is that there are many many people who want and need you on this earth at the moment, and we are not ready for you to just not bother with us anymore, ofcourse, until YOU tell us not to bother you anymore.

The fur balls and I...we need you back---terribly.

It is an aching empty feeling; a void that can only be filled when you are whole again. When we hear you laugh again, if not with us, then AT us, we'll gladly take that, thank you very much.

God's Instruction.

The saying goes that God sends people into our lives to instruct us, to help us, and to show us his awesome mercy and love.

Today, I was witness to this and thank God for showing me His great Love and Comfort.

On the long flight home today from visiting my folks back in the midwest, I traded an aisle seat for a window seat with a young muslim woman dressed in hijabi. She wanted to sit across from her sisters, so I offered to trade places with her despite my claustrophobia at being crushed into the window seat. Her frown turned into a quick smile as she settled into my coveted aisle seat. As I scanned the boarding passengers, trying to guess which larger one would get the middle seat, thereby sandwiching me to 4 1/2 hours of being boxed in against the dreaded stickey airplane wall, I watched as the whole plane boarded and no one took the middle seat.

Then, as I was sighing relief, I saw a figure of a tall lean older man in a baseball cap seemingly skip down the aisle heading toward my seat.

"HELLO!" he bellowed, stepping gingerly overly the young muslim woman and thrust his hand out to me. "I'm Gary". "mmmmcarol" I mumbled and tried to squeeze towards the wall as I quickly slammed down the armrest to establish my personal space. "greeeeeeat...." I sighed under my breathe. I'm stuck, and I have a small bladder, and I'm crushed against the wall for the next several hours, and I'm hungry... Good job, dumbass, I berated myself. Look what you get for being nice, stupid, stupid, stupid. And he's going to talk to ME the whole time; I just know it. Why doesn't he talk to the Muslim lady.... I just had that vibe that he would turn toward my direction....

I looked the other way and wiggled to my left to give the man more room. I thought about flipping down my sunglasses to pretend to sleep. I wished my IPOD wasn't broken so I could put on the head phones and flood my ears with sounds other than a human's voice.... "Oh do you have enough room? I don't need that much room" the man grinned at me and stretched out his long long legs. I looked at him sideways, as that was all I could do but look at him sideways. Ok, not a serial killer or a sex offender...so far, just a guy in his late 50s of so, clean cut and rather intelligent looking.
Soft features and crinkley smile lines....Like my love.
He had eyes that laughed and sparkled. Like my love.
How I miss Kevin....oh how I miss Kevin....
I settled in my seat and held my breath for what I just knew would come....

He turned to me and began his story. He told me that he was from Sedona, and that his sons were his pride and joy and that they had taken him on a trip to the Netherlands. He told me he loved God so much, and that he was so blessed in life, and that he was an elder for his church. I listened politely, smiled and nodded my head. My eyes started to flutter closed and my bladder started to bother me.
Ugh.

Then, he turned to me and said: "God brings people in our lives at different times to tell us certain things. I had 7 flights to choose from to return to the U.S; my son is a pilot for this airline, and he gave me a list of all these flights to choose from, but for some reason, I felt I just had to choose THIS particular one, at this particular time, and I know the reason why: it is to talk to you. I just knew I was supposed to meet you and to talk to you".
I squirmed in my seat and felt goosebumps. This is getting weird. I think I have to go to the bathroom....

"I want to tell you to Trust Him and to Give it All to Him and to go ahead and to ASK Him to give you exactly what you need. He is talking to you now and telling you that it is going to be alright. It is going exactly according to His divine plan. A miracle can happen if you pray for it, but you have to ask for it in prayer, and all you have to do is to believe in Him and that He will do it".
I stopped squirming and turned to really listen to this stranger, this person who had been rambling on and on about how great his life is.

"He is using the person you are thinking of right now in your life to teach you to have faith and to trust in Him completely. The person you are thinking of is going through what he is going through right now because there is a Great Lesson He wants you to learn. Miracles happen, no matter what science, man, or anything or anybody else says; When you put God first, you will see that there is nothing greater in this whole world than God's Power".

He then asked me about the elements of the Fruits of the Spirit and reminded me to live like that; he reminded me how I would hear God's word every single day if I took time to really listen; he told me it wasn't selfish to ask God for seemingly selfish things, because it wouldn't hurt, because God always listens; It would bring me closer to Him. He then asked me: what's his name; and I told him about what happened to Kevin.

Then, he leaned his shoulder against mine and said a soft prayer: God please give comfort and strength and healing to Kevin; Please heal him and bless him. Please give them both peace and happiness and lead them to live life in such a way to glorify You in all they do.

I couldn't remember exactly what else he said, but I knew that right at that very moment in time, God was talking directly to me, through this complete stranger.

Gary turned to me and said: "Carol, who is the Great Healer?"
I turned back to him and nodded. yes; God.

He Says She

It strikes me as quite funny that the Cancer is referred to as a female gender "She".

Well, then, it makes sense that as a She, she would be a worthy adversary to our protagonist.

Let's just hope that our man doesn't hold back any punches just because she is a she, because that She is no Lady, and like a She with no sense of moral values, she's not going to hold anything back in her efforts of total takeover.

Perhaps it would be easier to call the Cancer a He. This way, it would be a gentleman's game.

Alone

There are some folks who like to be left completely alone when they are not feeling well.
There are some folks who feel would feel more comfortable surrounded by the company of people.

While both types of people deal with pain in different ways, there comes a time when each type has to deal with the condition all alone.

No one can possibly understand the multitude of emotions that must beset the afflicted. Friends and family and loved ones can imagine the feeling, but at the end of the day, the condition must be faced alone. Even when another person has the same affliction, each afflicted person responds differently to it. Their bodies respond so differently to the same treatment regimen.

Seeing my post-ops. today, I was struck by how the mental state can really affect the person's dealing with their situation. I had two patients, one that came after I operated on her eye last week. Her case was extremely challenging and risky, but she has done excellently. Her vision went from Count Fingers to 20/25 today. She was smiling. Happy. Looked awesome. She felt good, said she was doing well, and taking great care of herself. Her case lasted almost 2 hours, while I struggled to harvest a graft for her eye and transplant it onto another site in her eye. Her tissue was thin and friable, and I sweated throughout the whole case. With each stitch, her tissue came apart from the graft. Then, on post-op. day 3, she poked herself in the eye with her steel antibiotic ointment salve tip and started bleeding from her eye. She came in to see me emergently and said timidly: "Did I ruin your graft?" I saw that it was in place and mercifully was intact. I treated her, patted her on the shoulder, and told her not to worry; that she did really well treating herself with her drops, with no one to help her. The past few days, she has come through beautifully, and all alone.

My next patient had the same exact surgery. Her case took less than an hour, and the results were perfection. The OR nurses and anesthetist even ooed and awed over the "beautiful result". She comes in with her husband and family in tow. She squints her eye shut and keeps rubbing at her eye, where the beautiful graft I harvested was transplanted. Her vision was count fingers and she is better than her pre-surgery vision near 20/25. She doesn't care things are looking great. She has a terrible horrible headache, and she's decided that nothing, not anything is going to make her feel better, because she is sure it is after having surgery that caused her headache. Her family shakes their head. They say she's been complaining all day about this and that for days. She is surrounded by her doting loved ones. They are her daily entourage. But her state of mind says that nothing is going to make her feel better or see better, though her surgery was by the textbook and her post-operative course was unventful and smooth.

At the end of the day, each patient has to work through their condition alone, in their own way, and in their own minds. Whether surrounded by people or alone, it is done in their own personal way.

My dearest, you are not alone. I know you may feel alone right now in your journey, but as you can see, so many many people love you so much and are right there with you all the way. And though you do face this alone, with your great mind and attitude, you will be like my number one patient, in whose case I actually struggled, and then she struggled all alone, but she is doing Beautifully. Perfectly.

Getting Rest.

Poor man sounds so tired. So very very tired. One can hear it in his voice.
It's soft and measured. He has to rest for awhile.

It's only the second day, and the chemo has hit him hard. He can only stay on the phone for less than a few minutes at a time before he falls asleep or before the nausea takes over, and he has to take his medications.

I encourage him to eat while he can, before the radiation side effects make eating more of a chore. But he is so tired. I worry that if he sleeps, he won't be able to get the nutrition that he needs so he can endure the hours of treatment ahead. Yet, he so obviously needs the rest. If he sleeps, he would not have a chance to treat with the oral hygiene regimen mandated during treatment.

My mind can't seem to rest. I wonder what I can do, is there anything I can do other than let him rest. But that is all I can do for now. Let him rest.

I wish my mind can rest.

On Being Strong

"Be Strong".
What does it mean when we are told to be strong in times of duress, when the chips are down, when life is especially exceptionally challenging...

"Be Strong".

It doesn't mean not feeling icy fear.

It does mean to take a deep breathe and to work through those feelings of terror that stalks our hearts and endeavors to paralyze us from foward thinking and action.

To be strong means staring right into the dark abyss of an endless black hole and daring to confront the cold Unknown.

To be strong means to accept whatever circumstance or situation is presented to us with a stoic sense of knowing that this is what is meant to be and so it is.

To be strong means to give our concerns up to whatever Higher Power is in ultimate control. It means an infinite trust in the universe that things will somehow, someday be made right as it should be.

I don't understand, nor will I perhaps ever understand why this is all happening to someone I care so deeply about, and hence, it is happening to US, and each person who knows him, but it is happening, and I must be strong, because he is so very very strong. And I will learn from his example.

There is where the circle comes back around, for as he is strong, I am strong, and I can be strong for him.

Morning Sleepless

The mornings are the worst. Never been a morning person, but lately, sleep has been fitful at best. This means waking up at 4, 4:30, 5, 5:15. Hitting snooze has been a regular occurrence.

What helps is that by bed time, I'm physically tired. The puppies are ready for cuddle time, and each take their respective places on the bed: the Boy at the foot exposing his belly to the sky, and the Girl curled up tightly by my chest.
Sandwiched, I feel safe. I feel like he is close by, and I'm comforted.

He is always an early morning riser. Up and out, doing exercise at the crack of dawn, while I would pull the covers over my head when the light streams through the blinds. The smell of coffee would linger as I would slowly make my way to the kitchen after shaking off the grogginess of the evening sleep. I would still feel his presence and still make out his scent. I'm comforted.

However lately, I'm up before sunrise. The dogs still sandwich me, but it is different. I'm feeling so far far away. I have to know that he is close to me every single day. Especially now. I have to know that he is safe and doing fine and not in pain, or feeling sick, or feeling down. I want to be there to comfort him the way he has always comforted me, even when he is far far away.

It never used to bother me that much, because I always knew that we would see each quite soon, and the comfort would come back, but lately, it doesn't feel that way. I worry; has something happened? Is he alright? Is he feeling so not well that he can not get out of bed--that is not like him, that is more like me. How is he doing....

Second Opinions.

Whose opinion is important? Sometimes, too many opinions can cause confusion and chaos and even frustration. Sometimes, many opinions are critical and necessary in order to clarify and to come to a wonderful powerful solution not initially thought of.

I was surprised to hear that getting a a second opinion could actually be construed as something discouraging, rather than encouraging.

Asking experts for second opinions are commonplace. In my field, where there are so many subspecialists, asking for a specialist's consultation is par for the course. If anything, a second opinion gives a person more options, if the options exist if at all. Sure, one can make the argument that more information can cause some kind of sensory overload, but in the end, most people would like to have some alternative available to them.

It's like ordering from a menu; while it's nice to order the same thing each and every time, it is sure nice to have a choice of another main course if available;
It is a rare bird that goes to a restaurant with only one item on the menu.

So, I was stunned to hear that getting a second opinion could be actually negative; how could that be when more heads together are better than one? How can getting a second opinion mean that one is shaking confidence in the original planners? That thought misses the whole purpose of a second opinion.

I guess, there's the other saying: there are too many fingers in the pot, or the other saying too many Chiefs and not enough Indians.

Bottom line is, in my humble opinion, which could be someone else's second opinion, (and you are very welcome to use my opinion as a second opinion), may cause initial confusion, but at the end of the day, if the original plan is confirmed, it is a comfort to know that one is being appropriately and best cared for.

Blog post archive

Here is one of my own favorite blogs from another blog site:

ahh, I smell you on my pillow. I feel your warmth next to mine. your soft hair tickles my face. I feel your loving wet kisses on my cheek and lips. wait. you smell gamey; AHHHHH. Dog breath! I open my eyes; noooo.....is that your spotted butt facing me. I wrinkle my nose to try to get away from your dog door. your stumpy tail wags a hundred miles an hour at me as your sleepy dewy eyes gaze at me lovingly. So much for my romantic dream.

Letting go.

The old adage by Richard Bach: " If you love someone, set them free. If they come back they're yours; if they don't they never were...."
So simple, isn't it. Let them go...and either they come back or not. They are either yours or not.
The thought of waiting around for another to make an important decision that directly affects me and my happiness essentially can be summed up in my mind with one word: SUCKS.

Why do we struggle so much in the matter of Love? Why is it so hard to just--let--go, especially in matters of the heart?

Love in this purest of forms demands and entails self sacrifice and the surrender of complete control; The total effacement of one's ego and making the self vulnerable to the whims of another. If we, as intelligent human beings, can change things and make things happen -humans are movers and shakers- why don't we just do so? It is a natural human instinct to be DOING. Why be a passive being and just let things happen TO us; in other words, let the chips fall where they may?

Because, things may not fall into the right comfortable place and our hearts will likely BREAK.

Being in relationships where I put the most extraordinary and the mightiest effort to protect it from any and every real and perceived external threat possible, to assure myself that my love would choose to be with me and ONLY ME, drained every ounce of positive energy from my soul.

There really wasn't anything I could do to prevent my love from leaving with another suitor, once he chose to leave the safety of my arms and the loving embrace of my heart.

In the end, my heart ended up breaking, because in the end, I had no choice but to let go and let the chips fall where they would land, and my heart broke into a thousand million pieces anyway. It broke when I first found myself fighting to protect it, and it broke when I finally had to let go. It didn't matter. It broke and it hurt. It left me dazed and confused and questioning if this all was happening and if this was all for real, or a terrible, horrible, bad dream.

Anyway, like the law of physics, an equal and opposite force will be applied back if one applies a certain force forward.

Deep down, I knew the simple saying was right.

I let go, and the person CHOSE not to be with me, and hence, the person was never mine, nor was the person obviously ever meant to be with me. But, I was set free to come back all alone to me, and to start loving myself.

It is still a struggle for me. Every single day. I feel the cold clammy fear of losing my love to a perceived external threat, whether logical or illogical. But I know this: it is just easier to let go and just Be, than to be with someone that doesn't deserve you.